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Post by OverSauron on Apr 15, 2006 3:55:51 GMT
Good. In Russia we have this joke, only oranges instead of grapes and hummer instead of nails.
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Post by evospi on Apr 15, 2006 12:01:29 GMT
A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's girl thingy. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital. After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his thingy, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp. The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try." Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?" "Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little b*stard!.”
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Post by evospi on Apr 20, 2006 16:03:15 GMT
A little girl is on her way home from school when she comes across three dogs sitting in a row. She walks up to the first dog and asks "How are you today little doggy?" To her complete surprise, the dog looks up and says "Well, young lady, I am happy and content, I've been in and out of puddles all day."
Quite shocked, the little girl walks up to the second dog and asks, "How are you today little doggy?" Just like the first dog, the second replies "Well, young lady, I am happy and content, I've been in and out of puddles all day."
When the girl looks over at the third doggy, she sees that he is looking a little down, so she asks "Little doggy, the other two are happy and content, why aren't you?"
The third dog simply replied:
"My name is Puddles"
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Post by evospi on Apr 20, 2006 16:03:47 GMT
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.
"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.
He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.
"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."
The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.
"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.
"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"
"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
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Post by evospi on Apr 20, 2006 16:04:10 GMT
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing in the nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked "What do you have under the newspaper, mister?" "A bird" the guy replied. The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the Police asked him what happened, the guy replied, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm here."
The police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow?" after a little pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire." _
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Post by evospi on Apr 20, 2006 16:05:09 GMT
Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide. The first one says to the other, "Sorry about that, I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't watching where I was going." The second guy says, "What a coincidence, I'm looking for my wife too, and I'm getting a little desperate." The first guy says "Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?" The second guy answers, "She's tall, with red hair, wet blue eyes, long legs, big firm breasts, and a tight butt. What does your wife look like?" To which the first guy replies, "Never mind, let's look for yours."
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Post by evospi on Apr 20, 2006 16:05:35 GMT
A teacher asks her class, ''If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'' She calls on little Johnny. ''None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.''
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Post by evospi on Apr 20, 2006 16:06:43 GMT
5 jokes for you folks
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Post by Hurricane on Apr 21, 2006 15:18:19 GMT
A German, a Frenchman and an Englishman enter a bar. The bartender asks: "Hey, is this a joke?"
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Mirror
A man in the bathroom in front of the mirror: "Mirror mirror on the wall, who has got the largest thingy of them all?
Says his wife from the chambre: "ME!"
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If a dumb blond is on the toilet, why does she whistle?
Then she knows which lips to clean!
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What's green, hangs in a tree, and yells the whole time: "I'm an apple, I'm an apple!"?
A dumb pear
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Why does a dumb blond put an alarm clock in her mouth?
Because TicTac gives you a fresh breath.
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Two grains of sand walk in the desert, says one to the other: "I think we're surrounded!"
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Two nuts are walking in the desert, one carrying a cardoor, the other carrying a bag of sand. The one with the bag asks to the other: "Why are you carrying that door?" "Well says the other, when it's getting too hot, I can open the window! Why are you carrying that bag of sand?" "Well", says the other, "when I see a lion, I throw it away, so I can run faster!"
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It's black, with two yellow eyes, and if you look in these eyes, you are dead, what is it?
A train
;D ;D ;D
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Post by Mitch on Apr 22, 2006 10:30:43 GMT
What do you get when Michael Jackson drives a Subaru?
Petterphil
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Post by OverSauron on Apr 22, 2006 12:41:16 GMT
What do you get when Michael Jackson drives a Subaru? Petterphil
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RJ
Chief Marshall
Posts: 124
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Post by RJ on Apr 22, 2006 12:50:48 GMT
What do you get when Michael Jackson drives a Subaru? Petterphil Petterphil as in trying to rhyme with paedophile.
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Post by Curt on Apr 22, 2006 12:53:31 GMT
Great jokes guys . Keep em coming. To be honest though I wasn't to impressed by the 'Petterphil' one .
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Post by chrisfinch on Apr 22, 2006 15:21:57 GMT
An old couple out for Sunday lunch at a restaurant. They order one roast dinner, and the husband cuts it in two and starts eating. bemused, the owner goes over, and asks, "Is everything alright, do you want another dinner?". The husband replies, "we always share everything." The owner walks away, and comes back. "You're obviously strapped for cash, you can have another meal on the house." The husband still says that they always share and are happy with what they've got. The owner still watches on, and eventually goes back and this time asks the woman, "The free meal is still on offer do you want it?" She shakes her head. The owner asks, "May I say, why are you not eating any of the meal?" The woman says, "I'm, waiting for the teeth!!!"
A people carrier crashed off a cliff last night, with three Irishmen in it. A terrible shame, people carriers can hold 7!!!
Two cannibals, not eaten for months in the jungle. They come across a dead missionary. They decide to eat him, one starts at the feet, on at the head. After 10 minutes, one says to the other, "Are you enjoying yourself?" he says, "Yeah, I'm having a ball."
Animals are very clever, much clever than you'd think. The other day, a cat hijacked a plane, but a gun to the pilot's back, and said, "Take me to the Canaries."
Jokes like this are much better when you say them out loud to someone.
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Post by chrisfinch on Apr 22, 2006 15:54:23 GMT
Some Film reviews
I watched "The Crow" last night. It's a birds film.
I saw "Taxi Driver" with Robert De Niro last night. people said he was going places, but I just though he was taking people for a ride.
I watched the harry Potter Film last night, "The Prisoner of Azkaban". Gets released in June, and it held me captive for 2 hours.
On Tuesday, I had some friends over and watched Titanic. Always goes down a treat.
I was digging "Shallow Grave" last week, except some bloke coffin all the way through it.
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