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Post by OverSauron on Apr 10, 2006 10:31:29 GMT
A Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up." This one is great!!!! But... do you know, what Gerr Freud would have said if he could hear your jokes? They are too sex oriented. Freud would have liked it and found a lot of hidden qualities in your psichology ;D
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Post by Hurricane on Apr 10, 2006 10:36:41 GMT
Why do women masturbate?
Because I can't be everywhere at the same time! ;D
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Post by OverSauron on Apr 10, 2006 12:01:51 GMT
Damn, guys, you're so sex oriented! Ok, here's a quote from one movie: One girl asks another: -"Why is it that guys are so task oriented? It's just work, work, work, work, work." -"Because otherwise it's just sex, sex, sex, sex, sex."
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Post by Hurricane on Apr 10, 2006 12:48:49 GMT
Damn, guys, you're so sex oriented! Well I guess that's normal for men? Every 7 seconds...
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Post by Vivski on Apr 10, 2006 14:04:30 GMT
For 6 seconds each time...
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Post by evospi on Apr 11, 2006 19:48:35 GMT
My fav!!
London 1944, The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle-aged French lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans...You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please lady, may I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road...
And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b**** out the window."
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Post by Mitch on Apr 12, 2006 10:58:26 GMT
good one!
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Post by evospi on Apr 12, 2006 11:29:49 GMT
My absolute favorite - that one ^^ Plenty more to come _____________ George W Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the President asks him his name. "Billy!" "And what is your question, Billy?" "I have three questions: First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?; Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; and Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" Just then the bell rings for recess. George W. Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resumed, the President says, "Okay where were we? Oh that's right - question time. Who has a question?" A different little boy puts his hand, George points him out and ask his name. "Steve!" "And what is your question, Steve?" "I have five questions: First - why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?; Second - why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?; Third - whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?; Fourth - why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?; and Fifth - what happened to Billy?"
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Post by evospi on Apr 12, 2006 11:30:40 GMT
An American, a Russian, and a Mexican were out camping. The American has his Jack Daniels the Russian has his vodka and the Mexican has his tequila. The Russian takes a drink of vodka throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it. The Mexican says, "What did you do that for?" The Russian says, "In Russia we have lots of vodka." The Mexican takes a drink of his tequila throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it. The American says, "Man what did you do that for?" The Mexican says, "In Mexico we have lots of tequila." The American takes a drink of his Jack Daniels throws the bottle up in the air and shoots the Mexican. The Russian looks at him and says, "Man, what the hell did you do that for?"
The American says, "Oh hell, man, in America we have lots of Mexicans!!"
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Post by evospi on Apr 13, 2006 15:45:47 GMT
A group of Irish gangsters are sitting around deliberating over methods they will employ in robbing a bank. After a lot of thought they all agree on the way to go about it.
In the wee hours of the following morning they meet and embark on their plans to get rich. Once inside the bank, efforts at disabling the internal security system get under way immediately. The robbers expecting to find one or two huge safes filled with cash and valuables were more than surprised to see hundreds of smaller safes scattered strategically throughout the bank. The first safe's combination was cracked, and inside the robbers found only a bowl of vanilla pudding.
"Well," said one robber to another, "at least we got a bit to eat."
They open up the second safe and it also contained nothing but vanilla pudding, and the process continued until all the safes were opened and there was not one penny, a diamond, nor an ounce of gold to be found. Instead, all the safes contained containers of pudding.
Disappointed, each of the mobsters made a quiet exit, leaving with nothing more than queasy, uncomfortably full stomachs.
The following morning, a Dublin newspaper headline read: "IRELAND'S LARGEST SPERM BANK ROBBED EARLY THIS MORNING..."
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Post by evospi on Apr 13, 2006 15:46:50 GMT
A fairly heavyset woman walks into a Mercedes Benz dealership in the upscale part of New York City. She walks over to the car of her interest, the SLK 230. She walks around the car, inspects every aspect, and decides to sit in the car, to get a feel for it. She reached for the door handle at the exact same moment she let out her 'natural gas.' Embarrassed, she quickly opened the door and got in, making sure nobody in the showroom noticed. When satisfied with the car, she got out and walked over to the sales desk. She asked, 'How much is that red SLK over there in the corner?' The man behind the desk got up and said, 'Ma'am, if you farted just by touching the car, you're gonna have a nuts when I tell you how much it costs.'
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Post by evospi on Apr 14, 2006 13:48:21 GMT
Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously? asked his astonished friend. "Yup," replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the 2nd guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch," the drunk replied. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear-shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed: "You idiot...it's ten past three in the morning!"
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Post by evospi on Apr 14, 2006 21:46:15 GMT
1. Only in America......can you get a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke. 5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.__
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Post by Curt on Apr 14, 2006 21:49:13 GMT
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.__ ;D ;D
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Post by evospi on Apr 14, 2006 21:50:21 GMT
A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?"
The bartender, confused, tells the ducks that no, his bar doesn't serve grapes. The duck thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns and says, "Got any grapes?"
Again, the bartender tells him that, no, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes, and, furthermore, will never serve grapes. The duck, a little ruffled, thanks him and leaves.
The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender begins to yell:
''Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ever ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!''
The duck is silent for a moment, and then asks, ''Got any nails?''
Confused, the bartender says no.
''Good!'' says the duck. ''Got any grapes?''
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