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Post by Hurricane on Apr 6, 2006 21:15:36 GMT
And another one (translated from dutch):
A woman has got a man that can't do anything right in bed. She goes to the doctor and asks something to get her husband up and running (if you know what I mean). The doctor gives her a pot of pills. "Every evening one or two pills", says the doctor. The following evening she puts one pill in the soup of her husband: that night they have superb sex. The next evening she puts two pills in the soup: it is fantastic! She is unstoppable and after that she puts the whole pot in the soup. The next day the doctor calls to ask how it goes with the pills. He gets the son on the other side of the phone. He tells him: "Mother is dead, the maid is pregnant, my sister has run away, my *ss f*ck*ng hurts, and dad is standing naked in the garden yelling: "Pusspusspuss"
;D
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Post by evospi on Apr 6, 2006 21:44:00 GMT
Hahahaha very nice one Hurricane
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RJ
Chief Marshall
Posts: 124
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Post by RJ on Apr 6, 2006 22:03:19 GMT
What's long, hard and full of semen?
Highlight to reveal... A submarine!
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Post by mattwrc on Apr 7, 2006 6:47:42 GMT
;D nice one RJ
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Post by Vivski on Apr 7, 2006 8:11:48 GMT
Q. What has 4 legs, green fur and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?A pool table. Q. Why did Johnny fall off his bike?Jimmy threw a fridge at him. Answers are on the right
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Post by Hurricane on Apr 7, 2006 10:05:02 GMT
It's yellow and when you put it in a mixer it's red...
Answer: A chick
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Post by Curt on Apr 7, 2006 11:36:19 GMT
What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog
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Post by evospi on Apr 7, 2006 11:43:43 GMT
Haha sick one Curt Viv gets best riddle award for the pool table Another one: A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?" He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
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Post by evospi on Apr 7, 2006 11:50:35 GMT
The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognise any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what calibre the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308 rifle." He was right. They brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep.The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."
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Post by chrisfinch on Apr 7, 2006 11:53:31 GMT
Easily offended don't read
A man on a beach no arms no legs.
Woman come up to him, says have you ever been hugged. He says no, so she hugs him. Second woman comes up, asks have you ever been kissed? He says no, so she kisses him. Third woman come up, says have you ever been F****d? He says no.
She says, you have now, the tides coming in!!!
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RJ
Chief Marshall
Posts: 124
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Post by RJ on Apr 7, 2006 12:11:12 GMT
WARNING **Mild explicit content**
3 vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders blood, the second one orders blood and the third one orders hot water.
The barman is bemused and asks "Why did you order hot water when the others ordered blood?"
(Highlight to read the rest)
The third vampire takes out a used tampon and says "I'm making tea". ;D
Sorry girls...
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Post by Curt on Apr 7, 2006 12:22:13 GMT
Here is a joke I heard from another forum:
A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they share a joint.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is "dry" and is going to get a drink from the river. The lizard climbs down the tree, walks through the jungle to the river and leans over the river to get his drink. The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the river bank, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with a monkey in a tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out, and walks into the jungle, finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing ajoint. He looks up and says "Hey you!"
The monkey looks down and says, "Duuuuuuuuuude.......how much water did you drink?!"
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Post by evospi on Apr 7, 2006 12:38:31 GMT
You're late for the annual jungle party and all the animals are already there. But in order to get to it the only way through is a river filled with crocodiles. What do you do?
Highlights for answer -
All the animals are already there!
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Post by Curt on Apr 7, 2006 12:58:37 GMT
A man staggered into a hospital with concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?" "Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end." "I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's arse. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!" "I don't remember much after that..."
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Post by Hurricane on Apr 7, 2006 15:04:09 GMT
(dumb)
How can you put an elephant in a fridge?
Open the door, put the elephant in, close the door
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