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Post by Hurricane on Apr 7, 2006 15:26:35 GMT
The British government
Tony Blair sits in a bar with John Major.
Tony Blair says: "When you were the Prime Minister, the governement worked better. How did you do that?"
"Well", Major says, "you have to surround yourself with smart cooperating people."
"How can you know whether they are smart or not?" asks Tony Blair.
"By a little puzzle" answers Major and he calls his wife (Norma Johnson) and asks her:
"Norma, your father and your mother have a child.
It's not your brother nor your sister. Who is it?"
Norma says: "That's easy, it's me."
Back at his cabinet Blair wants to test his ministers and calls his deputy prime minister, John Prescott and asks:
"Look John, your father and your mother have a child. It's not your brother nor your sister, who is it?"
John thinks deep... "I don't know at this very moment, I'll come back later."
John Prescott goes back to his bureau and on the way he meets Gordon Brown (Chancellor of the Exchequer).
"Hey, Gordon, do you know the answer of this puzzle:
Your father and your mother have a child. It's not your brother nor your sister. Who is it?"
"Well", Brown asnwers, "that's me!"
John thanks him and very proud he goes back to Blair and tells him:
"I know the answer. It's Gordon Brown."
Tony Blair becomes purple and yells: "No, you stupid idiot, it's Norma Johnson!"
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Post by Vivski on Apr 8, 2006 1:47:05 GMT
Haha, good one.
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Post by evospi on Apr 8, 2006 12:18:43 GMT
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well", she replied, "Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer." she said, "This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
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Post by FordTeamRS on Apr 8, 2006 12:29:02 GMT
*boom-boom-chhh* Hilarious joke EvoSpi!
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Post by Hurricane on Apr 8, 2006 13:58:40 GMT
yes that one was pretty nice ;D
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Post by evospi on Apr 8, 2006 19:42:39 GMT
'nother lawyer one for you folks:
A lawyer parks his brand new Porsche in front of the office to show it off to his colleagues. As he's getting out of the car, a semi-trailer comes flying along too close to the curb and takes off the door before speeding off. Distraught, the lawyer grabs his cell and calls the cops. Five minutes later, the police arrive. Before the cop has a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer starts screaming hysterically, "My Porsche, my beautiful silver Porsche is ruined! No matter how long it's in the shop it'll simply never be the same again!"
After the lawyer finally finishes his rant, the policeman shakes his head in disgust. "I can't believe how materialistic you bloody lawyers are," he says. "You lot are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else in your life."
"How can you say such a thing at a time like this?" snaps the lawyer. The policeman replies, "Didn't you realize your right arm was torn off when the truck hit you?"
The lawyer looks down in absolute horror. "F**king hell!" he screams. "Where's my Rolex?!"
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Post by Grenville on Apr 8, 2006 21:09:08 GMT
South African joke. A lady wants her porch painted so she hires a couple of Afrikaaners. "Please paint my porch" she asks them "Achh no problem man" reply the painters A couple of hours later she comes back to find her porch has not been painted and the guys are just about to leave. "Wait! Where are you gong? You haven't done what I paid you to do." "Ja man, of course we have. Oh and by the way its a Ferrari not a Porsche."
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Post by Grenville on Apr 8, 2006 21:12:12 GMT
Another South African joke. Keep in mind that SA is having a lot of trouble with illegals coming in from Nigeria, Zimbabwe, etc.
A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale hit Nigeria yesterday afternoon. 350 000 Nigerians have died and over a million have been reported injured. The country is totally ruined and the government does not know where to start with providing help. The rest of the world is in shock; Canada is sending troops to assist the country,
Europe is sending food and money,
South Africa is sending 350 000 replacement Nigerians.
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Post by Mitch on Apr 9, 2006 4:08:01 GMT
good one.
Bit rude this one
I saw a man with 3 thingys and i asked him how his pants fit
"Like a glove!"
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Post by evospi on Apr 9, 2006 12:12:22 GMT
Haha not bad stuff at all. Keep it coming!
A plane is about to crash and there are 4 parachutes for 5 people. The first passenger says:
- I am Steven Spielberg, I have to finish my best movie, I cannot die. So he grabs a parachute and jumps
The second passenger says: - I am Hillary Clinton, Ex-First lady, New York Senator and I might be the next president of the United States, I'm too important to die!!
So she grabs the second parachute and jumps
The third passenger says: - I am George Bush, president of the United States of America, I have been the most intelligent president in the history of the world. My country loves me and I have done many good things. I cannot die! So he jumps.
The two remaining passengers are a 10 year old kid and the pope. So the pope tells the kid: "You grab the parachute and jump, I'm too old you have your whole life in front of you." And the kid says:
Don't worry, just grab your parachute because the smartest president ever in the history of the world just jumped with my backpack!!
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Post by Curt on Apr 9, 2006 17:37:07 GMT
;D ;D Great joke Husain!
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Post by evospi on Apr 9, 2006 21:11:46 GMT
The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it,"He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
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Post by Nick McRae on Apr 9, 2006 21:59:54 GMT
A Englishman Scotsman and Irishman all go in for a job interview.
First in is the English man, he is told to suit down by the interviewer who then says "To prove your the right man for this job, go outside and make as much noise as you can." The Englishman nods and makes a racket then comes back into the office. "Finally one more question" says the interviewer. "How many letters are there in the alphabet?" "Why there's 26!" "Excellant" said the interviewer "You've got the job." Obviously pleased the Englishman walks out smiling.
Next in is the Scotsman and the interviewer asks the Scotsman to do the same as the Englishman. The Scotsman returns after making his noise and like the Englishman is asked "How many letters are there in the alphabet?" "26" replied the Scotsman. "Correct, you've got the job!"
Finally the Irishman enters and is asked the same as the Englishman and Scotsman. After three hours the interviewer is beginning to get worried when suddenly there is an almighty bang. A few minutes later the Irishman appears. The interviewer again asks the same question "How many letters are there in the alphabet?" "24" says the Irishman. "24, how do you work that out?" "Well." said the Irishman "I've just blown up B&Q!"
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Post by evospi on Apr 10, 2006 9:52:53 GMT
A Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up."
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Post by evospi on Apr 10, 2006 9:55:07 GMT
The 16 reasons a modem is better than a woman.
1. A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it. 2. Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT". 3. When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty. 4. A modem won't say a word if you come home late. 5. A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it. 6. A modem will always wait patiently by the phone. 7. A modem doesn't female dog if you sit and play with the computer all night long. 8. You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out. 9. A modem is flat on top - hence your beer won't fall over. 10. A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem. 11. A modem doesn't require any foreplay - just an initialization command. 12. A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor. 13. You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents. 14. If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about. 15. Modems come with an instruction manual. 16. Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.
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